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sorry they are a day late, had problems last night.

Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.

How do you get a man to do situps?

Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"

When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room,
what's the first thing to hang out?

The DO NOT DISTURB sign!

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to
follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry?
That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this
Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner shop
picking out a pretty good size box of laundry
detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, not laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to
talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
chocolate. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts
all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

"Mum, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took
measures and then went with the biggest."

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

- In real life, men aren't affectionate in bed.

A duck walks into a shop and asks the manager,"Got
any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry
goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same
question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any fresh fruit?"

 

Draw a leaf and make a pledge on the Live Earth Tree

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your bum."

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the barman "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the barman replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my wee pal here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The barman looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the barman, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a pound coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the barman, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Ricky, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a £10. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the £10 note and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a £50 note. He calls the girl back over, licks the 350 note, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his cash card card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the £60, and headed for the door.

Barry walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down.
A couple of minutes later, the barman sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the barman walks over and tells Barry to stop talking to his hand.
"But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand, barman!" Sure enough, Barry has a phone implanted in his hand.
"Well, put it away before you get beaten up," says the barman.
Barry finishes his drink and goes to the toilet. When he doesn't come out, the barman gets worried and goes looking for Barry.
He finds him in the toilet with a toilet paper roll shoved up his bum.
"I told you," says the barman.
"Oh, I'm fine," says Barry," "I'm just waiting for a fax!"

Tech sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy is Keltic who has finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. Tech says, "Are you going to eat that?"
Keltic says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
Tech says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks
. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

[Names have been changed to protect the innocent (and my face)]

A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house.
Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up. Sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over.
When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a dog.
The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?"
The gorilla extractor explains, "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away."
The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?"
The man answers, "If I fall off the ladder, you shoot the dog!"

TIG comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the TIG panics. [takes a drink]
He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever,[takes a drink] so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house,[takes a drink] gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.[takes a drink]
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks TIG, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
TIG stumbles around [Iwonder why?] and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

Barry went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since."

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